I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about simplifying things in my life. I am not certain that I’ll be able to pull that off. My life is a giant ball of confusion and complication. Much like your life. Probably.
But I am trying to start with things like my blogs. While I still feel like a square peg in a round hole, I’m starting to see how either my edges are starting to smooth out or the roundness of the the hole is starting to edge. Regardless, I’m fitting just a touch better.
I started this blog years ago while living in Egypt. It served its purpose well. This was the place I could rant and scream and laugh and admire and criticize and enjoy in English and share my thoughts, mostly, with my American world that I’d left behind. And that was great through the latter part of my 30’s.
But then I started to work on issues of ME. I know, right? It’s always “all about me,” isn’t it? I took a challenge directed by Brittany Gibbons (aka The Barefoot Foodie aka Brittany, Herself aka author of the book FAT GIRL WALKING) and I started writing about me and my feelings as they relate to body-image issues, bullying, self-esteem, etc. I started to address familial issues that had been boxed up and shoved into the very back of the storage unit of my soul. I wasn’t sure if I wanted family members that I was grudging against to be able to read those words and know that they had hurt me; that they had had a negative impact on how I viewed myself. So I started another blog called The Deep Down. (Because I’m a dork who thinks herself clever and I figured that that’s where those feelings were coming from….the deep down part of my heart.
At any rate, somewhere along the line I decided that this is ME. THIS is who I am. All of those issues of good, bad, ugly, fat, funny, terrifying, traumatic, dangerous, beautiful, kind, and mean are a part of who I am today. And the truth of the matter is that I like me. In fact, I love me and if I could have an out-of-body-experience, I’d so take me home for a roll in the hay. OH, YEAH!
A lot of that has to do with the fact that I’m 47. When you reach this age, you’re so done worrying about the opinions of others that you just tend to relax in your own skin. I enjoy life. Am I overweight? Yeah. By a lot. And I have high cholesterol. BFD. I had high cholesterol back when I was 17 and running 10 miles everyday. Sometimes that shit is actually hereditary. All my other health numbers are fantastic and if you look at my complete heart work up, I’ve got the ticker of someone 10 years younger. I am working on getting a lower number on that scale and cholesterol reading….but it’s not going to sadden me if it takes a long time or doesn’t happen at all. Those are 2 of about eleventy-million things that make up ME. I’m past numbers making or breaking my outlook on life.
I’m also past a few other things. I don’t need to hide my feelings or hurts or thoughts or opinions from anyone anymore. And since I’m not actually a square peg in that round hole anymore, I’ve decided to take this Nikki-shaped peg and place it into the Nikki-shaped hole. I fit with me. Wherever I am, whatever I believe or feel, no matter what number is on the scale.
So, dear followers, I’ve already moved all of the posts from SquarerPegsRounderholesdotcom.wordpress.com over to thedeepdown.wordpress.com . And I invite you to migrate over there and follow me there. Thank you, both of you, for following me here all these years. Hope you enjoy my new-ish site, too. I need the simplicity of having it all in one place. Thanks.